Encontrando las palabras perfectas./fuera de mi/wuow

I didn’t lie to you when I said I was used to this relationship. I guess I was just mistaken.. but lookin’ back on how I’ve been feeling, I’m not used to this at all. Many times, I wonder to myself if I’ve lost my feelings for you because honestly, everything seems so chill. We love, we appreciate, and we keep becoming stronger. Without the agony, the pain, and the bullshit to worry about.. I guess I just wondered when it was going to start. Don’t get me wrong ‘cause I’m not bored. You could say I’m just kinda amazed by it and I have to question our relationship often because everyone else who I’ve truly loved always found a way to hurt me. Yeah, that’s it. Because they always hurt me, I learned that the pain was something people that truly love me were bound to do. Since you haven’t, I sit here and I become oh so confused.

I’m still somewhat of the girl I was back then when it comes to these tactics and methods that I use. Day by day, I scream at myself to stop all this bullshit because if I don’t, I’ll lose the one that’s so true to me. I have to train myself to be a more loving person because with you, I find myself still being the girl who didn’t want to care because if I did, it’d only hurt. I find myself wanting to say, “I’ll talk to you later” whenever something seriously bad pops up, but I can’t. Just a minute without talking to you when I know I have the chance kills me. We can deal with the days without talking to each other; we already do so with distance, but when I know I can be having an amazing conversation with you but I’m spending it being doubtful or mad, I get angry at no one else but myself. At times, I find myself wanting to go incognito so you’ll miss me and I’ll see that you care.. but the thing is, I know you already do. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I put you through bullshit that you did nothing to deserve? I’m just so used to the pain. I kept making the same mistakes and spending my days with people who did nothing to hurt me because after awhile, the pain no longer affected me. That way, I was able to love them no matter what they did.. until I realized that they never loved me to start out with. Unrequited love was the start and end of it all for me. In a way, I’m still bitter about love and when it comes to loving someone who refuses to give up, I’m left in awe, wondering what to do since I’m so new to love that won’t stop.

I apologize for not making sense and I’m also sorry that you have to put up with my ways of insane thinking. My heart still has tons of things to repair and my mind is still in the what-the-fuck stage from realizing that you won’t close the door on it. I just want to better myself, every second of every day.. because yes, that’s what you deserve - the best of me, nothing less but everything more. In the end, I’ll either give you my worst or I’ll give you my best.. but I will give you my all.